Ciao ciao, people! I am back from my latest Italian adventure. It was lovely. I’ve expanded ever so slightly from all the food and wine intake, but it was a great trip to some of my favorite places in Tuscany, Umbria, and Rome. Here are some highlights and tips for you should you be heading to those parts of Italia anytime soon.

1. Drink wine at every meal except breakfast. Seriously, what’s the point of being in Italy without partaking in vino on a regular basis? However, if in Tuscany, don’t drink the Tuscan whites. They’re really not that great. Drink cheap Umbrian ones if you want to drink local. Or drink whites from the north.

2. Rent a car and drive fast. It’s fun. Get a GPS only for when you need to return the car in Rome. That city is practically impossible to navigate, and I’m a good navigator. Everywhere else is fairly easy to get around.

3. Eat the following meals:

– Sunday church lunch in a place like the little hamlet of  Caprese di Michaelangelo … No need to go to church. Just go to lunch. It’s amazing. Something like 20 courses but so good. Very local.  Everyone is nice.  It’s the best way to spend a Sunday when everything is closed anyway.
– Watermelon sorbet from Giolitti in Rome. Sounds disgusting, but it’s really the best flavor ever.
– A home cooked meal. Donatella, our villa owner, makes the best beef in Tuscany.  Eating home cooked food is the bomb — especially if the local Italian cooking for you is a good cook. And then you don’t have to drive anywhere for dinner — and you can drink more wine!

4. Be a tourist and drink wine outside of the Pantheon. It’s worth it. The Pantheon is magic.  I imagine the pyramids are probably the same — but I’ve never been.  (Too many snakes in Egypt.)

5. In Umbria, skip Assisi and opt for Gubbio. Just trust me. You don’t need to go to Assisi. Gubbio is much nicer and more sophisticated.  I just adore it.

6. In Cortona, try to go to the restaurant that has the word Teatro in it. It won’t be open, but try anyway because if it is actually open, it’s great. If not, go somewhere else. Chances are it will be pretty good too.

7. Take walks. Bring allergy medicine.  Roll in sunflower fields.  Not really — but Cris kept saying he was going to do that — and he did.  I think there were a lot of bugs.  Check out his Twitter or Facebook for the photos. It’s pretty amazing.

8. Rent a villa in a town. As much as it seems cool to be isolated on a hill in the country, walking out your door to a lovely little bar is pretty nice. In the town that we were in, there were three amazing little restaurants. There was no rhyme or reason as to when they would be open – – but usually one was.

9. Rent a villa that has 20 turtles out by the pool. Yes. We spent all week with turtles. This was my sixth visit at this villa, and the turtles are always a highlight. One is over 100 years old.  And one day, two turtles had sex.  Only Conrad witnessed this.

10. Shop.  I love Italian wares.

11. Take note of the store in Rome with my last name. Love it.

12.  Don’t fly in the middle of July and expect an upgrade both ways.  I was in first going to Italia. But on the return today, I was in coach.  I don’t approve.

13. When you think you’re sleeping with the owner of your villa’s cat named Fritzy, make sure you’re right. Both Conrad and I slept with some strange cat we found out later was actually named Achilles and was pretending to be Fritzy. Achilles did not belong to our villa at all. He was just smart enough to find two cat loving idiots like me and Conrad who will sleep with anything that purrs. And he snuck his furry ass into our rooms on two separate occasions. He also snagged some free food that I fed him thinking that he was Fritzy. It wasn’t until Cris said hello to the real Fritzy as he sauntered by us drinking wine in the piazza one evening, that we discovered we had been duped. The conversation went something like:

Cris: Oh hi Fritzy!
Me: that’s not Fritzy.
Cris: Yes it is.
Me: No it’s not. Fritzy is white and gray.
Cris: No, he’s not. He’s much darker.

Cris then proceeded to pull his phone out and showed me a photo of Fritzy. And then a photo of Achilles.

Me: There. That’s Fritzy! (As I’m pointing to Achilles.)
Cris (cracking up): No….That is some random cat. Ask Marco. (The bar owner).  OMG, you slept with a random cat.

Me (pointing to the photo of Achilles): Marco! Who is this cat? Isn’t it Fritzy?
Marco: No, that is Achilles. (Imagine hearing this in the most dramatic Italian accent ever.  Ah–keeeel-ay. Also, what’s so funny is that everyone in the town, like Marco, knows every single cat living in it’s name. Unlike me, who sleeps with Achilles thinking he is Fritzy.)

Cris couldn’t stop laughing. It really was quite amusing. Me being duped by a sneaky cat. I say Achilles and Fucker can just live in hell together for duping me as they both did.  Only Achilles is actually cute and furry — so I have forgiven him.  I would actually sleep with him again.  And of course, that would not be the case with Fucker.

Glad I’m back with you all.  However, just a warning, I’ve got a shit ton of work travel coming up as well.

Arrivaderci!