I had an interesting conversation with my good friend Kamil the other night.  I think the conversation upset her more than it upset me. It really didn’t upset me at all actually.  But what it did do, is really make me think about why I’m writing this blog…  And that was a good and healthy exercise.  So I’m glad we talked about it. And she has no need to worry.  I’m fist bumping you virtually right now, Kamil.

Since I started writing Head Games, I’ve sparked some strong reactions in people I know — and people I don’t know.  Part of that is scary to me — but exciting all at once.  I’m not going to lie — I do love the fact that many of you read this blog because you think I’m funny and entertaining.  But I do know that this blog also upsets some people.  They worry I’m putting too much out there — or it’s some sort of fuck you to Fucker that’s not helping me.  It’s really not — and I’ll explain why.

The main reason I’m writing this blog, isn’t because I had a brain aneurysm and nearly died or got discarded by a sick psychopath.  Don’t get me wrong, we all know those things did SUCK.  And those stories have been difficult and crazy — and incredible.  It’s really because in this journey, this journey of mine,  I have come to a place of more conscious thinking.  Less habitual than I’ve ever been before.  I’m making conscious choices and not just letting my rituals rule me.  And with these conscious thoughts, I’ve come to realize that I was living in something similar to a lie.  Not just living in the lies that Fucker was pouring over me on a regular basis.   In hindsight, it makes me wince to think about them because it is so obvious to me now.  Here are some doozies besides the basic ones like he got married for the second time when I was seeing him, and he lived at a completely different address than I knew him to live:

1.  His linked in profile was only his initials — and he refused to link in with me.  I was allowed to follow him on Twitter, however.  And little did I know, his wife that I didn’t know was his wife, was also following him as well. I wonder how many other girlfriends he had? And did they also follow him on Twitter?  He also had a fake Facebook account. He would troll on there to look at people’s profiles — but yet, he didn’t have one that I could be friends with.  I’m sure there were a ton of fake and maybe even real accounts out there.

2.  He told me had a very serious medical illness in college but didn’t tell his family.  He also told me he had mono right before he discarded me.  Who knows if any of that is true?  Maybe it was or maybe this was just his way of making me have sympathy for him?  I don’t know.  But it’s weird for sure.

3.  He told me inappropriate things that people close to him did to him.  (I will not publicly divulge them as I care that maybe these people are also victims of his lies and don’t deserve it.)

4.  He had a separate cell phone that he told me he used to talk to his family only.  I mean, duh. That or the phone he used to call me must have been his burner phone.  What the fuck was I thinking????????

5.  I have since looked back at the many emails he sent me on a daily basis– and found that when he forwarded me an email from someone, he deleted their email address.  It never even occurred to me to look so I never noticed until now that I had no way of contacting them.

So after reading these weird (and now blatantly obvious) deceptions or perhaps partial truths of his, I have to ask myself… who is actually the biggest liar?  And guess what?  It’s me.   I lied to myself and allowed myself to think and believe that bullshit– or believed that it was all I deserved.  I mean, you probably are all reading this now thinking wow, she really is an idiot.. how could she not have known what a lying Fucker he really was?  I realize that people fall prey to these sick fucks on a regular basis, and I’m not alone.  And most of my friends knew Fucker and my relationship wasn’t typical, but I can tell you that everyone who knew him through me was pretty much shocked when they found out the real truth.  So it wasn’t just me who was fooled.  But still.  I have to think. I have to think about me and where I fit into all of this.

When Maya Angelou passed away, my friend Craig posted this amazing quote of hers on his Facebook page:

“Never make someone a priority, when all you are to them is an option.”

When I read it, my heart sank.

So I am writing this blog post today because I am making myself my first priority.  Because someone has to, right?  At the beginning of weird hot yoga, I dedicate my intention for the class to me and only me.  When you google my name, this blog comes up — and no one else’s lies about me can hurt me.  I’m here and this is the truth of who I am.

“You will face many defeats in your life, but never let yourself be defeated.”  Maya Angelou

There is a syrupy Darius Rucker song in the movie Shallow Hal that has the appropriate and uplifting lyrics that I probably should post…. But instead, I am posting the video to the Thomson Twins song from the 80s.  “Lies.”  It’s  better and much more fun to watch.

Namaste.

 

<p><a href=”http://vimeo.com/57168373″>Thompson Twins – Lies</a> from <a href=”http://vimeo.com/user11406620″>ETV</a&gt; on <a href=”https://vimeo.com”>Vimeo</a&gt;.</p>