For those of you who expect me to pick up and continue on the story of the weekend my brain burst, you are silly.  That story is way too important for me just to tell you the entire thing all at once.  No — I will wait and finish that one later.  As I said way back in the Larry Hagman days– it’s just one of MANY brain explosion stories I have to tell….Many that will outline what happened that crazy weekend that I actually do not remember at all.  The weekend that my good friends saved me from Melissa the evil HR person…. 

Today is my 18 month anniversary.  Apparently, I am completely healed.  Completely over my brain burst.  I do not feel that way.  It bothers me that people want me to be myself again. I know it’s because they care and want me to be better —  but I will not be that person again.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing — I just won’t be the same ever again.  And I’m still tired and groggier than I ever was before.  And dizzy. I resent doctors who tell me I should feel fine. I don’t.  It’s okay — but I don’t physically or emotionally feel the same as before. I just don’t.

Apparently, when you heal from an illness, you speak about it the same way a mother refers to her child’s age.  You count things and accomplishments in weeks and months…  You get very specific.  So today is my 18 month anniversary. And that is supposedly a big deal because 18 months is how long it takes for your brain to regenerate after an injury…..at least according to one brain doctor I went to for memory testing.  

Last year at this time, I was recovering from my eye surgery.  I had a procedure to remove the blood that had leaked into my eyeball from the brain explosion.  The procedure involved having a needle inserted into my eyeball and having the blood vacuumed out…. I had a patch on my eye afterwards — and it was all bloody.  The eye surgery was much more awful than I expected.  Have you ever noticed that all doctors make surgery seem like it’s no big deal at all?  And they always say you will recover quicker than you actually do.  My eye was completely dilated for almost a month after that surgery. Do you know how annoying it is to have a completely dilated eye for a month?  I had no idea that I was going to have lingering dilation after my surgery.  And according to my surgeon, that was just no big deal….  I challenge anyone to have their eyeball dilated for a month and tell me that it’s no big deal.  Still to this day, my eye bothers me. I’m going to the eye doctor later today in fact — because even a year later, it is still sensitive and causes me trouble.

I suppose that I sound like I’m complaining.  My apologies.  I know I’m supposed to feel lucky.  Feel lucky that I survived.  Blah blah… But I feel unlucky. Why did I have to deal with this shit?  Why do I have to have a brain shunt?  I know I complain a lot about the shunt — but I really do hate it. I named my shunt Gretchen by the way.  Not sure why. It just felt like the right name.  I hate Gretchen the same way I hate the Fucker.  They just are so unfair. They’re both just crazy ass — and most people cannot relate to my totally unique and fucked up complaints.  They fit into their own special category. Not that other people don’t have things to complain about. They absolutely do — I just know that not many people can complain about their brain shunt named Gretchen and their double life and lying Psychopath named Fucker.

Okay.  Enough.  Here’s a list of observations I have since this whole brain explosion thing went down.  And more specifically, I have some updates for you since I started writing this blog.

1.  I have said this before — and I will say it again… I have the most amazing group of friends that anyone could ask for. Over and over again, I am shown how loyal, dedicated, and incredible they are.  Several also seem to be psychic — the fact that they knew something was wrong with me and found me in my apartment that day is pretty phenomenal.   I cannot begin to describe how grateful I am for all of them.

2.  People who wear big backpacks on crowded subway cars are incredibly annoying.  Seriously — I was riding on the subway this weekend, and this dude with the biggest backpack was standing next to me.  Blocking me.  Taking up way too much space.  Why do these people think this is okay?  It’s really rude and awful.  Also, eating on the subway is gross.  I saw a Chinese man eat sardines out of a tin can the other day. With a spoon. EWWWWWWWWWWW.  

3.  Apparently you can buy bad juju burning sage on Amazon.  However, my friend Meggin found it in a boutique in the west village — and we burned the shit out of it one Saturday.  We burned Fucker right out of the apartment.  And it smelled good after.

4.  People who do hot yoga tend to be weirder than most.  This observation also deserves to be restated.  I was totally laughing to myself yesterday in my hot class.  I looked around and almost everyone seemed weird.  And there was a lot of weird moaning too.  All the teacher says is “breathe in and breathe out.”  They do not say “moan loudly.” I do not get that. I do not get that at all. Still. I love my hot and weird yoga studio. 

5.  As selfish and shallow or awful as it may seem, I feel sorry for myself.  At the end of yoga, sometimes I can’t keep my eyes closed in shivasana.  I can’t because it’s too much.  The whole thing if that makes any sense. I just sit there with my eyes open in awe of the entire thing. Complete awe. And then I want to cry. But I usually don’t. 

6.  If I never had to go to a doctor again, I wouldn’t.  I am so tired of doctors.  I hate them.  As it is, I’m going to the eye doctor later.  And I really need my teeth cleaned.  And I need to go to my annual brain explosion check up appointment. So I will force myself. But I really don’t want to ever go to the doctor again.

7.  People really seem to like this crazy ass blog of mine. So thanks for reading!  It’s been a weird but satisfying journey to explain to the world all about me and how loony and complicated I am.  And by the way, I did get one request for me to show the Call Me Maybe cat video!!  That is so exciting!!!!  They really are amazing cats, and the video is hilarious  — at least to me.  Thanks, Daryn! Can’t wait to watch it with you.  

8.  My friend Liz offered to convert my VHS tapes to something watchable in modern times.  So I will also share the Hedgehog Olympics with anyone who wants to see it. 

9.  In honor of my anniversary and tax refund, I bought myself a new iPad Air.  It was time for an upgrade.  I’m flying next week.  Let’s hope I don’t lose it. It’s really nice. 

Happy Presidents Day!!!!