This is my friend Cris.  (No, his name does NOT have an H in it. Duh.  Do you think I would constantly misspell my gay husband’s name if it was actually Chris?)  I took this photo of him last summer.  We love to go watch the tennis at the US Open.  The tennis watching usually ends up being a lot of sitting at the Prosecco bar outside of the main stadium.  Chance Blakely, who is also our Facebook friend, is our favorite bartender.  (He knows in advance when we will be at the tournament and saves us good bar stools.)  I took this photo of Cris on the platform of the LIRR train tracks on our way home one night last September.  Not sure which day. We go to multiple sessions.  We love it out there.  Maybe just because we love Prosecco versus watching the tennis…. It’s sort of unclear – but we really give it our all to be there a lot.

Anyway – I’m very proud of this photo. I think it looks arty and cool – and really Cris was just exhausted and resting on the platform while we waited for our train home after a long day of drinking Prosecco with Chance.  And I think he also had a sore foot or ankle that day.  Again, it’s not a crystal clear day to me…  Too much brain explosion and Prosecco for sure.

Two summers ago, I did not make it to the tennis and the Prosecco.  I didn’t make it because I was in the hospital for my brain explosion….  Cris, being absolutely dedicated to tennis and the Prosecco, still went without me – which makes me happy – he drank Prosecco without me  and with our bartender Chance – and I think Brian.  I remember really wanting to go and really wanting to drink Prosecco– even in the hospital – but I just couldn’t.  I was just way too damn ill and close to death. 

So…… I decided to interview Cris last night.  Because after my headache onset and brain explosion on Friday,  August 17, 2012 – there is about 72 hours that are lost from my memory…  I woke up in Cornell Weill on Monday the 20^th….  (with Fucker the Psychopath at my bedside crying as you may recall)…. Cris and a few other key friends found me in my apartment on August 18, 2012.  This is their story – from the point of view of Cris……I feel like it deserves to be told…. 

Oh – as an aside — just to add a plot twist, our friend Daryn was with us last night as we discussed my almost fatal few days.  Daryn had not one slightest thing to do with this infamous weekend. Not one. But Cris and I love her… And the three of us wanted a night of hanging out in my apartment with my two phenomenal cats– so we were all here…  Daryn is amazing and very cool herself.  I’ll leave it to you to figure out why.  Hint…  She and I are similar in that we both have very cool jobs.  And if you do your research, you can figure it out.

Okay… So.  I think I will just paraphrase the entire conversation.  It was filled with lots of wine, so please forgive any memory lapses.  If I have to go back and edit the post once Daryn and Cris weigh in, you’ll have to read it again.

To start off the evening’s conversation, I asked Cris what he remembered of Friday, August 17th, 2012.

Cris said, “Yes. I remember working late at Swine – I was very tired.  You and I were texting per usual.  You were in the middle of watching the Dallas reboot. You were getting into it.  I remember that day very well… You were happy that the Fucker Psychopath wasn’t coming over.  You were excited to watch September Issue.  And Dallas.  You were happy …So yes, we were in touch.” 

I then asked Daryn if she remembered the night at all.  Any recollections? Where were you when my brain exploded?

Her response.  “It was a good time in my life to relax.  The famous person I work for was probably on vacation (she actually said his name. I’m on purpose keeping it a secret. I’m no name dropper. And this is not about him anyway!!!!! Remember. This is about me. Me only.)… so I was happy… I didn’t have a lot to do…..Oh wait.  August 17^th was literally the day after I was dumped by my last girlfriend– so actually I wasn’t happy… I was devastated.  Oh wait – I  had kickball the night of the 16^th – and then I was dumped.  And then I called my dad – and he told me to come home – and I did. And he hugged me.  That is was what I remember.”

Then I asked Cris what he did when he woke up on August 18th, and the verbal diarrhea began.  Cris just started to blab.  And there was no stopping him…..Sometimes he referred to me as Melissa (when he was looking at Daryn) and sometimes he referred to me as YOU (when he was looking at me.) So just go with it, please.

BEGIN:

Melissa is an insomniac, so every morning when I wake up there is a text from Melissa telling me what she is watching (on TV) in the middle of the night.  She then goes back to sleep.  So every weekend when I wake up on Saturday morning there are texts.  I woke up on that Saturday without a text from her.  So I wrote to her.  And I didn’t hear from her.  Then by 11, I still hadn’t heard from her.  I was saying things like “Hey whats going on?… Nothing. So I texted her again with NO response.  Then I went to eat at  Schnippers.  Then I went to Home Depot.. I was looking for a replacement screen for the bathroom at Swine.. I was getting really stressed out because someone had kicked ours in… Then at 12:15, I was getting worried… I was going to the office that day (of the old legal job he had), and I hate going to the office on a Saturday – so after a morning of trying to find a screen, and having to go into the office,  I still hadn’t heard from her….I was really freaking out…. 

When I got to the office – I wrote a group text to Christian, Susan, Meggin, and Liz……  Has anyone heard from Melissa?  NO…..  Meggin then texted that she too had been trying to get in touch with her – and had no response….  Meggin said to me that we should go to her house. Dora would have keys. 

So I called Dora – and it turns out that Dora was actually cleaning on the UES (above 14th, no less) — so I said I was coming to get them.  And Dora said she wouldn’t give them to me because Melissa hadn’t authorized it. So then I said that I was coming to get them anyway.  And she said okay. 

So I went across town to get the keys.  On the way – Kamil called me.  She asked if I had heard from Melissa?  I said that I was on the way to get keys to her house….  I just knew. I was shaking. I just knew something was seriously wrong. I think Meggin felt that way. And so did Kamil.  You (me) had plans with Kamil.  And hadn’t been in touch.  You had plans to eat and drink that night — which I knew in your terms meant 5 or 6pm… It was almost time to begin….

When I got the keys,  I thought at that point that you were dead.  So Meggin said that she and her husband Jay were going to head toward your house and meet me there. So they walked over – and I flew down the FDR to your place. 

When we got there, no one knew that the elevator was broken since you’re so mean to Dora that you don’t even give her an elevator key.   We had to go up the stairs because that’s the only key we had.  Regardless, we thought you were dead – and we came through the hall door.  I wanted to go in by myself.. I thought you were dead.  Meggin insisted that we all go…..so we knocked.  Nothing.  Knocked.  Nothing.    We texted things about coming in.. Nothing.  Knocking.  No answer.  Door bell .. No answer.  So we turned the key into the lock and heard this little voice saying “hello”..  And she was crazy ass sweating…..with the Dyson. She said something like: What are you doing here?  We said: Are you okay?  She said: It’s 8 am in the morning? What are doing here?  I’m sleeping? 

She was very distressed.  We told her that we had been texting all day. She insisted that we hadn’t. And insisted she had been in touch with her family all day. 

I went into the bedroom – found your phone – in a weird place – all of our texts were there.  I said, Melissa, “Look at all of our texts!!!”  Something seriously bizarre was going on — and then we began to notice weird shit.  She was saying stuff about having a terrible headache — and that Melissa had told her to take two Ambien.  “When?” we asked…. “Who is Melissa?”… She responded, “Melissa from HR!!!!!!!!!!” She was so hateful…. 

She continued the rants about Melissa from HR, texting her parents — she even accused us of moving her stairwell.  At that point, Kamil texted.  And Melissa kept accusing us of making Kamil leave.  

Kamil headed over.  Her father is a doctor — and Melissa and I share the same doctor — so I called him. Together everyone deduced that she must have overdosed on Ambien. 

We realized that she had not been drinking or eating.  Didn’t have any caffeine in her or anything. So we ran to get her food.  An Il Posto Accanto steak sandwich –Gatorade and orange juice.  She fought us over a lot of things.    

The cats were hiding. 

 END

Okay.  Above was Cris’s story that continues on and on — but I need to piece it out because each section deserves more attention.  I promise to continue the story in the near future.  There’s still so much more to the tale… I know I keep saying that — but it’s true!!!!  There’s the part about taking me to the ER downtown, what happened there, then the part where I’m emergency rushed uptown.  There’s also all of the emails that Cris had with Fucker the Psychopath that weekend.  I on purpose left that part out since it also deserves more focus.

On a lighter note, the end of last night was great.  Daryn, Cris and I just drank more wine (or rather, Cris and I did)… and we hung out with the retarded cat Stevie and cute little Macy Gray.  I loved the entire thing — until I woke up this morning on my couch.  And it was a school night. But I sort of think after that story, we all deserved it…. EEEEEKKK……….