I lost my iPad this weekend.  I have lost many a thing in my life– and I technically can’t really blame the brain explosion for this lameness of mine. It’s just me and my lack of responsibility with important objects I guess. I will say, though, that since the brain explosion, I have lost my iPad or my iPhone at probably twice the rate than I did before the brain bleed.  Twice in the last year, I’ve left my iPhone in a cab.  The first time, I tracked it on the Find My iPhone App, and saw my poor phone heading uptown (past 14th Street!!!) with no response from the cab driver or the next passenger.  At Bryant Park, the signal suddenly went dead, and it was clear my phone was gone forever.  (I was forced to search Craigslist for a reasonably priced replacement as I wasn’t due for an upgrade.  Waste.  That was a waste of money. I really am a dumb ass.)  

The second time I left my iPhone in a cab, the same thing took place, only this time, the nice passenger who had found it, was actually cool enough to call me, and I was able to meet him at his office to pick it up.  Relief.  

My iPad is often misplaced– in hotels, in restaurants, you name it, which is why I now rarely take it out of  my apartment.  The one exception is that I never ever board a plane without it — it’s my full on entertainment system. I watch TV, I read books, I play games, I email.  I use it.  And I fly A LOT.  For those of you who pay attention to things like airlines status, I am a United 1K — which is totally something to brag about — or at least I feel very happy when I see that on my boarding pass.  It makes me feel very special — and I know that also makes me appear shallow — so be it.   I haven’t flown coach on any plane ride over 2 hours in a few years!!!!!! It’s pretty sick.  I’m totally spoiled.  

This weekend I was heading out to Lake Tahoe to celebrate a “momentous” birthday for my mom. (She is mad at me for telling everyone how old she is — so suffice to say, she is now 3/4 of a century old.)  🙂

At any rate, on Friday, I boarded an 8am JFK plane to SFO.  I was psyched.  My seat in First was a flat bed with a television and a full on entertainment system.  Heaven.  It was so nice that I didn’t even have to look at my iPad during the flight. Which is probably why I left it next to my seat and de-boarded the plane without it when we got to San Francisco.

Fast forward, I am driving with my parents up to their house in Lake Tahoe, and I realize two hours into the drive that my iPad was nowhere to be found. I tracked it, and the Apple app said that it will still in San Francisco at the airport.  Phew.  So I called United, and sadly, my 1K status, as cool as it is, really didn’t help me in retrieving it.  No one would answer at SFO lost and found, I couldn’t figure out how to file a claim — I was really getting frustrated.

Then I suddenly remembered that my brother and his wife have the fancy status that is even beyond 1K.  My brother also flies a lot for his work, and he has been given the mysterious “Global Services” status on United, which basically means you’re the cream of the crop — and they will do anything for you.

After texting my brother and his wife to see what they could do, the Find My iPad app suddenly pinged me and said that my iPad was in Utah. Some fucker stole my iPad and took it to Utah?  Already?  It was odd. And I was pissed.

Luckily, because of my brother’s godly status, United was able to confirm that my iPad was actually on the same plane that I flew out to SF and was returning back to NYC now.  It was only flying OVER Utah.  No fucker had taken it at all, and at the end of its second flight of the day, a Global Service agent met the plane and my iPad and placed it into a safe at JFK.

Alls well that ends well… for now…..

Sadly, this is the part of the story when I had to get all Drama Queen.  On Monday when I returned to NYC, I de-boarded the plane  at JFK and headed directly to baggage services, where the safe with the iPad was.  Immediately, I was shut down by the baggage people joe schmos, who claimed that a supervisor had to be there to give it to me — and that couldn’t be until the next day.  

Well — that didn’t go over too well for me.  I mean, I had four brain surgeries and was recently dumped and discarded by a sick sociopath asshole after years and years.  Did I deserve THIS now too?  I don’t think so… Don’t think so at all….  So I started to cry.

I cried, and I took drastic measures. I showed the baggage people all the horrid photos of me in the hospital with tubes coming out of my head and BEGGED them to help me, the poor patient.  No good.  I called my brother and had him call them…. No good.  I cried and asked the baggage people to feel my shunt and see if they would like to live with a pipe in THEIR head?  No good.  Finally, after I had scared away the female baggage claim bitch, the baggage man went and got a man named Leo to help me.  Once Leo saw that Global Services was involved, and I was SOBBING in the middle of baggage claim at JFK, he made some calls.  Voila!  My iPad was retrieved, and I went home with it in hand. 

So… the lesson?  Yes.  I am TERRIBLE. I WILL resort to crying for something in desperate situations.  And very often it works.  (Although I do vividly remember crying after getting a speeding ticket in Washington DC way back when, and that cop wanted NOTHING to do with my drama.  I still got the damn ticket.) But in conclusion, crying  often works as sad and pitiful as that is.

The other lesson is that if you fly ONE airline a lot, they HAVE to treat you special.  Don’t be one of those people who flies any old airline because it’s 50 bucks cheaper.  Don’t NOT sign up for a frequent flyer number, you numb nut!!!! COMMITMENT, people.  It pays off in the land of the airplanes.  You get better seats and the possibility of an upgrade. And if you fly enough, you get service from nice people like Leo who hated to see me cry over a damn electronic that was lost totally because I am lame and forgetful.  I mean, let’s not forget that it wasn’t United’s fault the iPad was lost. It was 100% mine.

Next up for me is Million Mile Status. I hit that this year, and I’m GOLD on United for the rest of my life!!!  Super cool.

Until next time…..